My Hair Journey.

If there’s one ever one thing that I liked about myself, it’s hair. It’s part of the identity package that I have. But just like my life, that too has been on such an adventure.

I love my hair now then I have been. I’ve gotten to the point of really taking care of it. But it is frustrating when I come from a line of fine hair. It greases very easily. That’s one of the peeves that I just cannot stand. I wash it everyday, I know that can often damage it but I can’t shift the idea for leaving it, only when I don’t have the time to shower, which is rare of course. From when I was little, hairdressers were a nightmare for me. Thankfully I don’t have any memory of this time, but I know a few would happily mention that I could go as far as being dragged just to try and get me out of the house. In the end, we have had a mobile hairdresser that comes to us to this day. I wonder if it’s more of a comfort thing that it was better to do it in your own home. It’s familiar, whereas you go to the hairdressers, it can be unpredictable. Although there wouldn’t be that much you could do with mine. Until I was eleven, I had a bob with a dodgy fringe, oh my world…the fringe! When I think back, most of the girls had that haircut. Either cute bobs were the trend, or because we’re Autistic, we couldn’t be trusted with our own hair. Not that I blame them. I did at one point decide like most children to cut my own hair. My mum was furious, she asked me why and just like any child the response was ‘I don’t know’. No word of a lie, that kinda makes me smile that I was that stupid.

So I started growing my hair when I was eleven. I was sick and tired of the bob. But as it grew, the subtle gurls came through. Now back then, natural curls where an absolute no-no in society. Man I wish I didn’t listen to society. So I would grow down the straighteners route. What would be my downfall was that I didn’t care of my split ends as I didn’t like using sprays because of the scent. I’ve never liked the colour of my hair. It’s very bleh. Being a massive fan and of Amy Dumas, I wanted to turn my hair red. A very ambitious move, but when you’re in your teens, that’s the period where you try and stand out. I suddenly became Sarah with the red hair…not that anyone called me that! I loved having the red, applying was difficult. I couldn’t do it myself so mum would have to. I think it almost killed to be honest. Terrified that it might stain my scalp. I suppose that was the second part of my downfall. It wasn’t until I reached into my late teens when everything changed. Within the course of two years I lost a good chunk of it. It made me miserable. The one thing that made me…well me…was falling apart. I was in the last two years of specialist sixth-form so it would be apparant as to what caused it, yet I would be surprised as how.

I ended up getting an appointment with a specialist whilst I did a three day stay at Sheffield before I moved over about a year prior. Now I can’t recall what the official name of it was, but the guy described as ‘male patterned baldness for women’. I mean if that’s not embarrassing enough right?! I was heartbroken. I was recommended to go on a particular type of the pill, take iron tablets and use hair drops. After two years, nothing really changed. I did stop using hair dye aswell so overall it can make anyone feel really shitty. Later on after I put on so much weight, I had to change pills because the doctors were worried about the ones I was using. So these new pills were stronger, but I was beginning to lose more hair. At this point, the very middle of my head was beginning to be noticeable. I even cut my hair to a pixie haircut, but that made no difference, if anything it looked worse.

Just be you, Sarah x

Update (Why I’ve been absent)

Hello again, hope you are all doing ok. Keeping yourselves safe and not doing anything stupid. From end of June I decided to take a break from writing blogs. I felt that I couldn’t write anything positive or at least something that didn’t come from a place of frustration or anger. I’ve had some close to me say that this is what I’ve come across as of late, of course this is never the intention. So I took a break and this is my first attempt since. Like the rest of the world, frustration isn’t enough the word for how life really is at the moment.

I was fueling alot of anger, the kind of anger that I remember feeling when I had my mental breakdown seven years ago. This process of lockdown has got me in all sorts of places with my mental health as I’m sure it has been for alot of you. I know that I am certainly not in the place I was in all those years ago, though it was hard to get out of that negative space. Those that know me will understand that it takes me a long time to get out of a mindset as strong as this. I haven’t been able to express it, when I’m feeling something, I have to ride it out before I can find a sentence that makes sense to me and to others. Even all the social and moral issues that have risen over the past few months made me question everything, everyone and myself. I couldn’t make opinions without true knowledge and understanding, because those stories and campaigns do need our attention and the last thing I want to do is let my anger get in the way with what is important. These issues haven’t gone away, so we still need to pay attention, but I also realizing that the Autism community haven’t had the best ride with all this and I want to find that drive again in making sure that we are heard too.

I’ve been having a really bad 2020 so far, way before lockdown had begun. I’m on the road to thirty, as I mentioned in my ‘The Road to 30’ blog, I am struggling with the transition of going to thirty. There has been a gap in my life since taking some personal decisions in my life that I felt was needed. I’m trying to figure out what I want to do next, but it seems with all this, I think those decisions I can’t make right now. I lost alot of confidence and part of me is scared to talk about the personal things because I know what I could potentially lose. It’s true that being indoors for so long does not help when you have all these thoughts and worries on your mind, even for an introvert like me. It isn’t healthy for anyone, it has certainly affected alot of people in my life in so many ways. In the beginning of lockdown I lasted about a week on my own. I wanted to see if I could do it, knowing that one day it will come to that once my mum goes. I certainly didn’t want to feel like a burden to her. But in the end, I did spend three months with her and it was the best thing, even if we did nearly kill one another! We both have very different routines, well mine especially but we do make time for things that we can do together. Thank goodness Drag Race and has been one throughout the whole of this lockdown with season 12, All Stars 5 and Canada’s Drag Race. It’s the one thing we look forward to each week. I even got mum into Tiger King, stuff like that she usually hates but this has been a good talking point in the house. It was good company for the both of us. I would have such low days, and she’s the one that can really sort me out. I can just easily offload things in my stupidly brilliant brain, she can take it. I know she was sad when I went back to my own place, but I felt that I needed to. To least have a form of normality.

I think getting back to normality is going to be a long one, longer then most would expect or even like. I mean I’m not making immediate plans yet. I would like to go to Ireland next year for my 30th but even I know the chance to get to that will be slim. So I’ve been making some home improvements to my own home which has been getting me through. I finally got my new sofas to which I am very happy with. I’ve also been on the storage band wagon that’s popular on Instagram, God knows how much I have spent on those. I’m slowly getting my confidence back when going out. I’ve gone back to the gym, although I’ve slacked last week because I’ve been so tired. Going back to the shops hasn’t been easy but I’m nearly there. I certainly want to get back into writing, it is a strength of mine. I’ve been in and out of a script I’ve been working on. I have a few ideas that I want to do also but all those will need to be discussed first.

I will try and go back to weekly blogs to make up for lost time. It’s always a pleasure for me to write them, but I don’t want to write them when the hearts in it. They might always be Autism related as I’m still trying to get back into a positive mindset but I’m nearly there.

Just be you, Sarah x

Why I like The Simpsons?

So I caved in and am on Disney+. I know, I am a corporation slag! But what makes me laugh more anything is that the much loved show that takes the piss out of Disney so much, yet they are now owned by them. I mean talk about a troll move. I wanted to stir away from the chaos of this pandemic and talk about something that I and I’m a lot of people love, although in this day and age that is now a challenging subject.

Now I know there are plenty of problems with how the show kinda plays itself on a day and age where we have to be so aware about. I’m on season fifteen and I could see it way before then. I know where there’s definitely show a lot of continuity issues and so many jokes that aren’t funny anymore. That’s how the show started in the first place, exploring the political and social issues that we have to have honest conversations about. I believe the producers are probably aware of this, and you kinda see that with some of their fourth wall breaking jokes. But I honestly believe we wouldn’t be having these conversations without it. It’s a show that I grew up with a time when anything goes. It’s a show that broke boundaries. It’s certainly why I liked it in the first place, alot of us did, at one point I would say I loved it. Because we all know someone that represents a Homer, or a Marge and many of it’s hundreds of characters. Even though with some of them they’re not relevant now. Shock humour is something that has changed overtime, back then, The Simpsons were considered shock humour. I guess it still might be, I know other shows that have taken shock humour to the extreme. Shows that I can’t watch anymore because I see how hurtful it can be. I personally think this is slightly tame to whatever shows have done.

So we have a family that consists of a politically incorrect derp brain of a father, a housewife who has to deal with him, plus a rebel ten year old, an eight year old feminist, and a baby. So how did this family of everything that can often be so wrong become the world’s favourite family. I think it’s that simple reason, they are so wrong as a family. Yet it does show that not every family is the perfect repetition of what I guess everyone would like to be. It’s certainly why I like it. The amount of stupid things that Homer has done, you wouldn’t it was possible. But as the old conspiracy theory of what the show has predicted would happen, I guess it must be true. The fact that Donald Trump is now president after the show made a joke about it when Lisa becomes president, jeez that is scary. I cannot deny how much I love stupid humour. I realise that kinda takes away some source of intelligence that I have but honestly, I prefer it then any humour. The amount of quotes that I have recalled is probably so much more then what I can recollect from any other show. I’ve been rewatching it since we’ve been in lockdown, I know my mum is getting sick of it. I especially love their Halloween specials, how they can take some classic horror and thrillers and turn them into their own. Having said that, every episodes seems to be a spoof of something which to me does takeaway their originality.

It’s the only show that I believe that my friendship group absolutely enjoys too. Typical Autistics liking different things am I right?! Anyway, we share so much memories from it and it’s certainly one of the few times when I’m at my happiest. If I had to pick a favourite episode, well actually it’s two. Who Shot Mr. Burns? I feel it’s only time where they took the show into a different genre and they did it so well. Now I know what you’re thinking, and spoiler alert, isn’t it a cop out that Maggie was the one that shot him? Maybe, but it’s certainly so much original then what they could have done. It was certainly a talking point. I do admit that the show has run it’s course, I mean it ran it’s course years ago. But it seems people still love it, which probably serves that purpose. It would be weird when the day comes when and if the show ends. It’s become part of our world culture. The stupidity that we see in each episode also reflects what the real world can be sometimes. I am they’ve gone a proved it so many times, part of me feels like maybe they’re keeping on because they have more predictions to say. Whatever you may feel about it, love it or hate it, I accept why. I’m in a love/hate relationship with it. It’s part of my life and has made happy, but nowadays it does have it’s problems. But I do appreciate it for being what it is. A silly show that in some ways has made happiness by it’s stupidness.

Just be you, Sarah x

I need to stop punishing myself.

I watched the first two episodes of the new docu-series about The Undertaker aka Mark Calaway, who I see as one of my childhood heroes. It documents the last three years of him trying to have a perfect final WrestleMania match, but his body is at the brinking point and he has almost been punishing himself because he wants to do better. I’ve given a lot of heat towards him because I want him to retire safely, but I also see his point of view of how angry he is with himself. As I too find that the greatest enemy you can have is with yourself.

Society has a general attitude that we as our own person has to do better then what is expected. In my world, we were the naughty children. We were the children that our parents were told they’re being lazy. We were the children that were seen as not having much hope in having what everyone has. We were the children that people felt sorry for, yet never do we ever feel that we are just important. I think that’s why I was so desperate to be normal. I know, I know…I hear you screaming at your devices saying ‘why on earth would I say that?’ But at the same time, there will be a lot of us and many others with their own problems that have said that to themselves. The biggest lesson I have learnt from life is how you get out of that mindset, but no one tells you how long that road will actually take. God forbid if I went to a ‘normal’ school, I think I would have been ruined as I have previously mentioned before. As much I grill my education, I couldn’t live without it. The approach specialist education has a lot more life lessons and home tech then anything. It’s almost as if we were tested to see if we can use the cooker safely! Yeah I know that’s quite brutal to say but that was our reality. Also, our personalities were tested, to which I think is still being tested now. I know mine does. When I look back at my life, I think I would be put in the popular bracket,me personally, I was in the bitch bracket. But then most people at that age were. I have a trusting personality which is my biggest strength. But it was also something that people took advantage off to the point where my opinion didn’t matter, whether they could help it or not. I think it was also because I am a woman that it was easy for people to do so something else that I hated about myself for a long time. All the things that a woman has to deal with also came to me. I hated the way I looked, how I sounded, the fact that I was sometimes seen as a sexual object and everywhere else in between. Although everyone else didn’t seem to have a problem with all those things. I would reject compliments or positive comments about myself because I refused to believe it. I was probably battling with the idea of being perfection…but let’s be real…perfection doesn’t exist.

I thought it was just easier, but overtime it has left me sour. Which is why I only have a select few people in my life because I have put up a lot so many times that I just simply can’t deal with it. I’m sure many would say the same about me, I don’t blame them, because I am a lot too. When people get too much for me, I would have this raging guilt that I was being selfish and to always think about being in one’s shoes. But the downfall was that I didn’t make that time for me and figure out what I needed because I was wrapped on being liked. I certainly don’t have that mindset anymore, because I know what I need, and I have these things that get it. I can now see what I can do and all those things cannot be downplayed in my mind so that I can really look after myself better. During this time I have been really thinking how I am what life is for me. I’m happy I can do this, my time and my way. I don’t get much for it, but I know it reaches those that need it. I’ve also come to the point where I can easily make the decision that it’s ok for me not to have what is expected from the human race. Not that I don’t consider myself human, but I am one of a few that are very extortionary. I can feel things that everyone else might not understand or would wish they had. As I always say, my accomplishments are different to most, but it’s those that’s got me here.

So yeah, I have to stop punishing myself because I am here for a reason. If we want to make the world a better place then sometimes we need to speak our truth. I’m looking at it right now and I am strongly angry about how backwards it’s become. However, it’s these challenges that have to be talked about and talking truthfully and brutally is what I’m good at…yay…something I’m good at!

Just be you, Sarah x

What I‘m going to do when Lockdown ends?!

Since we’ve had alot of time on our hands since we’ve been on lockdown, it’s got us encouraged to think about the things that we should do next once this is over. One of the tasks is writing that list itself.

I was supposed to get my new sofas last week but understandably the delivery had to be paused two weeks before. I was so disappointed because it was the one thing I was looking forward to, don’t even know when I am going to receive them. I realise that makes so sound so selfish, but it does suck. So that is a first on my list once this is all over. They’re already bought so that’s a given, it’s just a matter of when. But it’s definitely a short term goal to have on my list. We were always taught to have short, medium and long goals to have when you have a certain timeline. So far this year has been the worst for me in a while so I really want to make the rest of it count, and further along too. I haven’t had a group of people come to my place in a long time so the first thing I’m gonna do once the sofas comes is to have a small group of people over just to gloat to(!) ‘Come to my place so I can show you my new sofas!’ I’m also gonna look into getting a microwave, a new TV table and a baking mixer. I really want to modernise my place just a little more. I mean it’s not like I’m going anywhere else so I might aswell do so. I started clearing clutter before I went back to my mum’s so I’ve managed to clear away my Pop Vinyl boxes out of sight. It is kind of hard to declutter when there aren’t many places that will take certain things which has been off putting.

The next thing I have been thinking about is having multiple staycations. We’ve already booked a night stay in Blackpool in July, hopefully this will have ended by then. I like Blackpool, it’s been a while since I last went. Think it might have been when I went to Pleasure Beach with some friends, which I really want to do again also and get over my fear of The Big One! I have also been really considering a holiday that I could have with friends. It’s been a dream of mine since forever. I know that certain circumstances can make it hard for anyone that aren’t used to it. It’s one of those things that would need planning very carefully. Where we would go, where we would stay, what activities we would want to do, where to eat…I could go on! It’s not like I want to take them to somewhere that we would need a plane, although that would be fascinating. I was thinking of something on the lines like Center Parcs or somewhere like that. It would be perfect, but I’ll put that on the long term list.

Then there’s the little things that I have been thinking about. One of them being to finish a new script that I started ages ago but I haven’t had the motivation to do so as of late. I started it and I like to think it’s a good opening. The only thing I am struggling with is what the story actually is. I know where I want it to go because it’s a familiar territory for me, but I have to make sure that my ‘audience’ is invested in it which is very hard to do. Then I have come to the decision that I am going to get some goldfish. In my flat I am not allowed cats or dogs. I know my neighbours have either lizards, birds or Guinea pigs, so why can’t I have fish. I always say I’m going to get some but never get round to do it, but when this is over I am absolutely sure that this is what I’m going to do. As mentioned in the previous paragraph, I wanted a baking mixer. That’s because another goal I have want to achieve is to bake more. I prefer baking then I do cooking, and if I wasn’t that much of a dickhead in trying acting, I would have liked to have been a baker. When I was at Sheffield, I loved the baking sessions they had. The best memories I had is the tutor that I had always made be toast before our sessions started. We always made flapjacks, doughnuts and bread. Plus now that my mum is allergic to mould, she can’t have sourdough anymore so I need to learn her recipe!

I am very lucky to be where I am. Yet since this has been happening I have become unfulfilled. I know everyone else will be feeling like this too. My life always has restrictions. I’m always scared to do something because I’m a risk. Well, that’s what society sees us. Trying new things has always been a struggle, I want to at least try. In  the meanwhile I have been thinking a lot of my life as a whole and I’ve always felt so unhappy with myself. I need to keep learning to give myself a break. I’m finding all this really hard at the moment, I try to stay optimistic but there are plenty of things about all this that makes me not to. I find it hard to talk about it from my perspective because I know others are struggling too and I feel selfish for somewhat fuelling the fire more by typing how shit I’m feeling. 

But I have many reasons to keep going, and you do too. Keep at it and please stay safe!

Just be you, Sarah x

My thoughts on the Coronavirus Pandemic

I didn’t know whether I should write about this, mainly because I know that this has put the UK in such a division, as if it wasn’t already. Now that the lockdown is not in sight yet, I feel like now that I personally have gotten past this time, I thought this might be helpful to those that may need it. If you don’t, that’s ok too.

I don’t think I can remember a time when such an event as this that has affected me so much. I don’t even remember when the country was struck with swine flu. I was still a child then and I don’t seem to remember much back at that time. I don’t know whether it’s because we didn’t have the technology to know much about it, so I guess that’s why it didn’t affect me. But this period as an adult, this has been the first time that I have ever been frightened in my life. At the beginning of the year I have been dealing with issues around my anxiety and there have been certain incidences that have fuelled it. Now I am not in a bad state of mind, but it’s made me question if I am going mad. I just had gut feelings about things, but everything else would always lead to me thinking that if I am thinking too much. So when the those moments did happen, they happened the way I predicted. I became angry because I knew I was right and that I should have gone with what I thought. In the end, when everything came together, I got that clarification that my gut instinct was right. But of course, as that was settling…the lockdown was beginning to look like it was coming. So my anxiety strikes again!

In this day and age, we live in panic all the time. It’s so easy to find something online and people just freak out and take the ridiculous actions that lead to not only poor influences, but also really horrible outcomes. So when we learned that the virus had come into the country, hell broke loose. I can’t even believe that panic buying has now become a thing! Shopping has been difficult. I mean I get anxious when I’m shopping anyway, but during this I have been absolutely tense and all I end up doing is cry once I get home because I just can’t handle it. I mean I was elated that when the supermarkets set up hours for the elderly, but for the anyone that is considered vulnerable, I don’t find that helpful. You can’t exactly prove one is vulnerable unless it’s physically obvious. I can barely prove that I have Autism! To me, it just shows where we stand in the priority chain, and we’re always last. Mum and I have been lucky, having managed to get deliveries without signing up, I chose not to because it’s not necessary for me and there are people that need it more help. I actually feel bad for my fellow Autistics, because they now have to deal with the madness which as always leaves us behind. I also have issues with food and it panics me that there will be a moment where I can’t get what I need which would be difficult. The last time I went food shopping was the Monday before Boris made the order of lockdown. People that know me will know that I’m not much of a socialist. I’m an introvert. This is something that I am used to, so the thought of a simple instruction to stay home sounds easy. I have missed going to the gym, seeing my friends, having a nice coffee and the weekly takeaway. It’s all these sacrifices that most of us have had to endure during this pandemic. But living on my own had presented a challenge during this time. I spent eight days on my own and was frightened to go outside. I had enough and went back to my mum’s. In a way, I should have come to this sooner but I wanted to see if I could do it. It’s gonna happen one day when I have to fend for events such as this. Luckily it won’t come to that anytime soon, but it has been something I have often thought about. I’m glad that I am with my mum, if anything she really helps me, maybe too much. It’s absolutely unfair how some people have the nerve to expect to carry on and it’s that attitude that has cost us to get to this point. It’s bad enough that we can’t go to the places that we like, that’s our sacrifice that has been brought upon us. But there are people that are taking the mick, like purposely coughing into people’s faces and licking items in shops. I am furious. How can someone not understand that we are in danger now.

Thank goodness that we have the technology to give us options on what we need to get through it. I have the odd video call from my mates that does help me. Now that this is going to last longer, it has really got me thinking about how we need to be as a society. We need to be better, we need to do better. Events like this has shown the best in people, but it also brings out the worst. I can see how anxious this has been for you, because it has been for me. I’m not a believer of much things, but I am a believer of hope. It will get better, it will take a while, but I know that we will be able to get back to normal, whatever that means for you.

Just be you, Sarah x

Should I still watch children’s TV & Films?!

The programmes that I remember watching growing have made such a huge impact in my life in how in a sense, it’s another opening to see how the world actually works. But now that I am heading towards the early thirties, is this still appropriate?

I’ve been having conversations with a good friend of mine recently about the Studio Ghibli films. Anyone will know that they produce anime films that are generally aimed these days for children, although some do often need an adult present during the grim bits. The funny thing about those films is that even though they look innocent, they are actually express things in us that are so relevant to us adults. They also show an insight to the culture of those films, nothing like most films I have seen in my life, especially the ones aimed for kids. Take for example, Kiki’s Delivery Service. A film about a thirteen year old witch who moves to the city to make use of her powers, only to find that after many challenges given her only ‘talent’ is flying, that she begins to questions her purpose. Something that I relate to so much! Even though the one thing you can be good at if often a strain, especially if it’s not appreciated. My personal favourite film from them is the Oscar winning Spirited Away, I won’t spoilt it for you but out of the all of them, that one is definitely the best. I’ve been feeling that about alot of things that I am into, almost it’s slipping away and I don’t always know what to do.

Now that lockdown is officially on over here in the UK, it’s given me time to look at all this for my own perspective, why I liked them and why they still have somewhat of a hold on me. I first think of conversations with my bestie about Thomas The Tank, I loved that show. At think at one point I could echolalia most of the episodes. I mean they are pretty easy story to remember by heart, five minutes per story, and alot does happen in all of those five minutes. That’s actually pretty amazing when you think about it. These days you can make a story in fifteen seconds! Bestie and I can always recall one particular episode that still makes us laugh and fear at the same time. The Ghost Train…oh my God that was some crazy shit! You can easily look it up online to check it out but honestly it’s almost the best five minutes. I would have been four when I first saw it and it did freak me out, but then of course overtime the humour of it all made it funny. Ringo Starr managed to tell a simple story so scary. Another moment that made me shiver nowadays is first episode when we’re introduced to Henry. When he decided to stay in a tunnel because he didn’t want to get his paint wet, so they build up a wall up so he can’t get out. It was the final lines that actually has a haunting message;

“Soot and dirt from the tunnel had spoiled his lovely green paint and red stripes anyway. He wondered if he will ever be allowed to pull trains again? But I think he deserved his punishment, don’t you?”

How on earth can any child answer that?! When you look at the world right now, I immediately think of a certain wall that a certain bad example of a person wants to build up? Yeah if you don’t get who I’m talking about, you easily find them. It’s so funny how little moments like that can come back like that and create an impact more then it originally did. I do admit, when I have an off day, sometimes I can’t help but just watch the odd one.

There is a source of shame that can be put on us when and if we still watch shows like that. Just as much as I as a feminist gets called out for watching Love Island. In my teens, the fellow Autistics that I grew up with, some would still watch them, even as teenagers. Then there’s the odd few people that would pick on them because it was too ‘babyish’. I suppose I remember having that mindset when I look back, but there were people that took it too far just by picking on them. But here’s the thing, if it gives that person joy, who am I or anyone else to judge. I find joy in the shows and films I like, to the point that I cried during the last twenty minutes of Endgame, that’s how passionate I am about these things. So I totally get it, more then most would think. So it is absolutely your choice what you choose to view in your world. Even if it’s something as simple (yet effective) like Thomas the Tank, go ahead. Sometimes it’s the simple things that makes us happy.

Just be you, Sarah x

I struggle with reading…

It’s was world book day last Thursday. Funnily enough, my school never did dress up days where you’d go as a character from a book. I don’t even remember celebrating book days at all when I was at school. Something that I unfortunately didn’t really grow into, although I would like to get better.

It’s really ironic that I do this blog knowing that I have to read it in order to check every so often just to make sure that it’s correct. Most of the time it isn’t as my way of writing isn’t very good in social standards. You could say that it has it’s own language. Most blogs are like essays, including mine, and it’s something that you have make time for, especially if it’s something you actually like to do. I’m ashamed to admit it but there aren’t any blogs that I have found that I can sit down to and read. I see the odd person that I follow online that I tend to look for where I need that reminder that I am not alone, most of the time I try to look or follow things for humour. Even though at present there doesn’t seem to be enough of that. Writing was always something I could do better compared to reading. It’s certainly a good tool to have whenever I have to write something, just to get it out of my head. I think I actually feel more when I’m writing then I would when I’m reading. I wasn’t the best writer in the way it looked, it’s often described as it being stuck a child’s handwriting. I could manage joined up writing, I was the first in my year to do so, but I barely write on paper these days, mainly because I want to use less paper, with the climate and all. That’s another thing that’s quite fascinating as how the education system and how society works. You’re taught from the get go to write but once you leave school, you mainly use computers. Obviously that’s all depending on what kind of work you do. Being in the care system I know that both computers and written sheets are needed. But generally these days I don’t know many people that actually write. Anyway, I’m here to talk about reading.

I’m someone who is known to have a good imagination, but when it comes to reading something, I have to read the same words over and over so that I can see it in my mind. But that is quite exhausting for someone like me and I don’t have the patience for it. I can read books where I have seen the movie or a TV show, which sort of helps having that source of vision to work from. I think the last books I read properly was the Call The Midwife series and because I love and know the TV show and I can picture it more clearly in my head. The variety of books that I have read throughout my life is way different then what I’m sure your general book reader has. When I was a kid, it was the old Biff, Chip and Kipper books. I do remember doing assemblies in school where we would take a children’s book that we would learn for a term and turn it into a twenty minute play. I wish I could remember the names of those books but I think that’s what made it slightly enjoyable. My reading got difficult when it came to exams. I think because the pressure was added, it doesn’t help with concentration. Nothing that I could read would stick with my brain, and to then work out the answers. Kind of like how I have to have my mum as a advocate with my bank account, no matter how much you try to teach me, I can’t seem to understand it. Thank God I never did GCSEs and A-Levels, I think that would have ruined me. I did do a short course in ICT and I loved it, mainly because I loved computers. Says alot about me really, TV and computers are easy to learn from. Course now everything is so advanced, we’re learning from phones. God knows how the world is gonna advance by the time I hit fifty!

I should really be invested in reading more then I am now. I just need to find what to start off with. This might sound daft but I have thought on getting some ‘positive advice’ books. I’m at a weird place right now and confidence in myself and been really lacking recently. I was into reading wrestling biographies years ago which I did actually enjoy. They’re stories are absolutely fascinating. Dave Bautista’s book I actually give a massive shout for! I’ve also read, Lita’s, Eddie Guerrero’s, Rey Mysterio and Chris Jericho’s biographies and they do certainly bring my childhood back. I have actually bought myself some comic books recently to get me started, and they are Power Ranger ones, which most people know were also my childhood. I do have a goal to read the Harry Potter series at some point, I love the films so I think I need to be fully invested like a true Pothead! I reckon if I start reading things from sources that I actually like then I think that’s when I could be invested more. Having said that, I do like reading facts, because most of the time they can stick in my head, pretty like most Autistics!

What do you like to read?

Just be you, Sarah x

Why I like Call The Midwife?!

Last week was the season finale of one of my favourites Call The Midwife. To me there is an importance to have a show like this now more so then ever.

I didn’t catch it when it first came on telly at the time. I can’t really remember why. But I was introduced to it when I was given the boxset of the first two seasons and have been instantly hooked. This one actually feels alot more personal to me as it’s a show because I out of everyone in my friendship group is the only one that watches it. I would like them to watch it but I don’t think they’d be into it. The conversation of having babies in the future for the majority doesn’t seem to be on the goals list. I personally don’t want my own children, but part of me would like the idea of fostering. Though my chances in doing that are pretty slim considering I’m still in care and it would be very unlikely for someone like me to be given that chance. Of course I do understand that the safety of children is absolutely appropriate, I don’t think I could handle being assessed so much anyeay. So those that don’t know it, based on a series of books written by nurse Jennifer Worth, the show is set around late fifties/early sixties in Poplar, east end London where a group of sisters of Nonnatus House and midwives work. A time when medicine was advancing and the beginning of the NHS, but there were still complications with the society that the people were living in at the time. When women were beginning to become empowered and having choices yet are still stigmatised to be mothers and wives. The show is mainly praised for it’s storylines around serious topics, including unwanted pregnancies, poverty, diseases, prejudice and more. Alot of it my mind is still relevant to this day, and we’re talking fifty years on. My mother was a child during that time and when we watch it together she recognises all the events within that time. I can’t imagine living in that time let alone being a child of that period. There’s also something quite emotional of watching a child being born. Funnily enough, I made the decision that children will not be in my future. That makes this more funny because I absolutely get emotional watching it. I absolutely sympathise any woman that has given birth, it must be the most hardest thing to do. Thankfully we live in a world now where there are so many options on how you want to proceed when it comes to one’s pregnancy aswell as the birth. Having said that, I’m sure the pain is pretty much more or less the same! There was one storyline that got to me more then most. It centred around a couple, the girl with Downs syndrome and the guy with cerebral palsy. They both were living in a specialist residential home and they find themselves pregnant. They want to be a couple and have a family, but because of the worry from the girl’s family about her lack of understanding and given that this happened under the eyes of care, it couldn’t happen. She loses the baby and can only go back to the home if the guy got sent to an all boys home. Which of course meant they couldn’t be together. As someone who has been in specialist education it really struck a chord with me. Now I can almost say that there would be people that probably doesn’t always understand the concept of being in a relationship, but it’s almost like they’re saying that it shouldn’t happen anyway. Yet somehow I just feel that isn’t right, if anything being in love shouldn’t discriminated. I know two people that have been together since they’re teens and whilst tackling with alot of hurdles, they’re still together, which to me is pretty amazing. With storylines like that, it’s one of the reasons why shows like CTM is so important. Because it gets everyone talking.

I love the women on the show. There aren’t that many TV shows and films that I like with a female majority lead cast. I know shame on me! I don’t know whether if that’s because I expect more then just you’re standard romantic setup of a woman characters. Now there alot more shows where women can be seen as so much more and this is definitely one of them. The first three seasons focuses on Jenny Lee who enters Nonnatus House and is ultimately shocked how full on the work actually is, aswell as balancing the challenges of the order and finding her own route. But within time she with the help of her friends and the order, she thrives. She does leave the show to care for the elderly and the show focuses more on the other characters. I love Sister Monica Joan, who is the eldest sister. She may suffer from memory loss but her vocabulary and her mind is just brilliant. Yes she can be alot to deal with, but in my eyes she is someone that I think we all need in our lives! They are seen as the heroes of that time, because it’s all about the care of mother and baby. They made time for them, making sure that they start off their journey to motherhood in the best way possible. I don’t think that’s something you really see in this time, mainly because there actually isn’t enough time. Yes there are setups now, but there doesn’t seem to always be that source of care like you see on the show. I suppose sometimes in a way, you can’t get too invested in someone otherwise the possibility of doing harm to yourself is just as high. I mean I’ve technically been in some source of care all my life so I totally get it from that perceptive. I also the relationships between the women, even though there are old fashioned and current event differences between the nurses and the sisters, the love and respect is still there for each other. They help one another when one gets knocked down with whatever they might be going through and they don’t judge each other. Another thing you rarely see on a show that is centred around a group of women. In the past you could only ever get entertainment from either a fight or falling over, but you don’t see any of that and it’s really refreshing.

I don’t know what will happen in the next one. It seems like it’s on it’s way out, which does make sense. At this point, the NHS is thriving where almost everyone is using it so the threat of Nonnatus, the mother and baby clinic and everywhere in between will at some point close. I believe it’s a show that every woman should watch, and men too if they’re interested. It’s a show that I do tend to binge on quite alot because I love it so much. I quite liked the season that has just finished last week. I hope we get at least one more which it kinda looks like it’s heading towards. I would highly recommend watching it, or at least have a few days bingeing on some episodes!

Just be you, Sarah x

The year before 30…(Part Two)

This previous weekend I had a gathering of my closest friends for bowling and a meal for my birthday. It’s really strange, but when I’m with them, it’s the only time I am happy. Then on Monday I spent the day with my mum watching Birds of Prey and had dinner at one of my favourite restaurants. All of this has really gotten me thinking about what’s next…

I actually hate that my birthday is at this time of year. It’s the most miserable and even I feel suckered into the seasonal depression that everyone seems to get these days. Doesn’t exactly help when someone says ‘why does your birthday have to be in February!’ Thankfully this year was ok, apart from I started my period on my actual birthday day! There have already been discussions about my 30th. I’ve kinda gone through all sorts of ideas. At one point I thought about having a pool party but I don’t think everyone would be comfortable with that! Right now I would really love to do karaoke as I do love my music along all the classic tunes, with the odd grunge I like to rock out to. I don’t look forward to it as much as you would when you’re a child. I suppose that’s part of becoming an adult. Every special occasion or holiday these days tends to comes across as being so glamourised, it really bugs me. I mean Christmas just gone I was so ill with a cold that I couldn’t enjoy it. There’s so much pressure aswell because you want other people to enjoy it as much as I do. But the one thing I know about my mates is that they can easily make their own fun.

Since I have a year until the big three 0, and I have been thinking about some goals that I would like to achieve before then. First one, which I’ve already done, buying new sofas. I’ve lived in my flat now for almost five years and have always hated the sofas that I was given when I first moved in. I want something that’s mine and given that there’s no chance of going anywhere else, I feel it’s about time to treat myself. Consider it as a birthday present for myself. I’m already thinking about what’s next with furniture! Secondly, I have made asked that I would like a break to Belfast, it’s the only capital of the UK that I have yet to visit. We don’t know when it’s going to happen but I have been told that it will happen and we have discussed what we would like to do so that’s something. Plus we’re kinda overseeing how going across will be now that Brexit is at hand! Thirdly, I’m looking into what to do fill my time. I want to make more time to this blog, yes I say that every year! It’s been quite hard to find things to talk about. I think as we’re heading into the next stages in our lives, I’m hoping that there will be more to tell. I also need to find other things to fill in my time since I’ve decided to stray away from theatre work. I love theatre, I just don’t have the energy and the work these days are pretty slim. I have a few ideas, just need to do the research, given that where I live as of late there isn’t that much to offer.

It’s been a funny time for me. I have had some slight panics about what my future will be like. It has been hard to come to terms with the fact that my life won’t be a traditional one. But then again, I am absolutely in love with that idea, because it’s what makes me who I am really. I have been conscious about my mental health as of late. Not that it is anywhere near as to what it was so long ago, I do find times where I have to feel what I need to feel in order to get through it. I have been using the gym as a way to not only get exercise but to also as therapy to let out the negative steams that I often feel. Now I know that I am nowhere near at point where certain timelines are to end, yet even at the age that I am, certain pressures can often creep up. I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing alright. I can only look at the now, move from the past and not to worry about the future. Society has this huge problem in trying to live in a ‘perfect’ world but to me this is absolutely unrealistic. We have to stop doing that to ourselves because it isn’t healthy at all. We are human, we will make mistakes, I know I certainly have. I look at myself, who I was then and who I am now and I am so grateful for the mistakes and lessons I have learnt, because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I’m so happy that I have people in my life that understand my position and support me. So as I go into my last year of being in my twenties I want to say hello to my twenty year old self and say this…

‘Hiya babe, hope you are well. Here’s the thing, you’re gonna deal with a lot. You will feel abnormal. Your disability, your gender, your state of mind and your ability to do and learn the simplest of things will be questioned. More times then you should probably have to. But I promise it will all make sense and slowly will work itself out. You just keep telling your truth, the real truth. The person that matters is you. Think about you, believe in yourself, love you for you, because everyone else will. Also will you please do the vacuuming at some point, that would be swell!’

Just be you, Sarah x