I have been beginning to see alot more tales of people like myself that have or is going through various types of trauma. I’m beginning to open my eyes more.
I keep bringing up mental health quite abit, now I know there will be plenty of people that even now when numbers are rising, a good majority will still go all British and say ‘get on with it!’. I will admit that I am someone who a long time ago would just think ‘oh here we go, get over yourself’. But now I try to really see it from another point of view. People in my life always say to me that I shouldn’t get so upset because there’s nothing I can do, I really hate that. I come from a background where we have to have tough skin in order to get by. In a way that’s the motto I’ve lived by. It’s so much easier to laugh at yourself then dealing with anything else. I get where comedians come from, the majority have had really tough lives, and by talking and laughing it off is the only way to get through it. How I tend to deal with things is just to have a cry, feel absolutely sorry for myself then move on. Most of the time it works. It sounds really selfish, but I have been unselfish for the majority of my life and it was taking a toll. In my world though, that’s actually alot harder then we consider. I have been reconnecting with people more recently and the stories that they’ve told me about everything they’ve gone through, still going through is absolutely heartbreaking. The one thing I have struggled to understand is the mindset when a person is that low they would consider the worst thing possible. Even when I had my mental breakdown, nothing really occurred for me to think so low. I went into a mental hiding, but that’s as far as it got. It does make me upset when I hear stories of people that have had or are in that mindset, because I don’t understand, I want to, because I want to help, but I can’t help someone when I don’t understand their mindset. I don’t know whether if it’s because I have been brought up with a tough skin mindset that when I see this, I find it hard to watch someone having a tough time. It’s almost as if like I suddenly become a robot and cannot compute with what is being said and done.
We had mental health day not so long ago, and even though there were many people who gave their accounts, it still feels alienating. We are living in a world where if you’re not perfect then you’re not human. I actually had a shitty evening myself that Thursday evening, my name was put into something that made me feel really shitty about a element of my life that I don’t have. Now it seems so silly how I got myself in such a state, believe me, I get so pissed off with myself. I know and have known people who have been through worse. We don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t like to give much advise these days because I don’t go with the same advice myself. I don’t like hypocrisy and I realise I am hypocrite myself. I struggle when things like old memories, unwanted memories that pop into my head and I absolutely punish myself. People don’t see that part of myself, this is the first time I have admitted this. Something will trigger and old memory and the only way I can get it out of my head is to cover my face and just swear at myself, calling myself names and that goes away. I think that’s why I struggle to feel good about myself sometimes. Like I said, it sounds absolutely crazy, but yet I feel like alot of people like me do this too. It’s not normal behaviour, I know that. That’s why when it’s only when I’m in my safe place I do this. I don’t know if this is trauma based, I’m scared to go and find out further.
It’s bad enough that we have the title of being Autistic, but then to have all these things added onto it makes it more frustrating. I tend to feel it more at this time of year more then the rest. I’m convinced I have SAD! Seeing everyone else in different stages in their lives is often heartbreaking too. The hardest thing for me is that even though it’s best thing for me to do, I have to let them deal and conquer those times, which is tough. Sometimes it could mean letting go, but I know if that’s what they need then I respect that. Obviously trauma is the worst thing and no one should feel it. It’s something that needs time. The world is complicated, it’s hard to be human sometimes, but I can assure you, no matter where you are, you are still human.
Just be you, Sarah x